Generation Equality: #OrangeTheWorld

16 Days of activism

The MSAAW Foundation is back!

And we begin with the United Nation’s campaign for Generation Equality! This year’s theme “Stand Against Rape” comes at the right time, to resuscitate the dwindling discussion the #MeToo movement had generated.

For 16 days from today, you can expect a wide variety of issues to be discussed on this platform. We are committed to raising awarenesses and changing the discourse when it comes to sexual violence.

So keep watching this space or follow us on Instagram and Facebook to find out more on how you can participate in this campaign!

Shout out to inspiration!

Today we decided to showcase a story of inspiration amongst all the pain and suffering of the past week in India.

“I will not give up this battle as long as I am alive

Soni Sori, is a human rights defender, tribal and women’s rights activist, who works in the Bastar region of Chhattisgarh. She and her associates have been fighting the violence of the paramilitary forces and the police. They have meticulously recorded State-sponsored atrocities in this remote, inaccessible part of the country against Tribals, including burning down of homes, sexual assault, rape and torture. The security forces have subjected her to inhuman custodial torture. 

Soni describes herself as ‘just a small teacher’ from the Bastar district of Chhattisgarh, one of India’s most mineral-rich states. But, in reality, she organizes Adivasi (indigenous) women to speak out against the sexual violence and assaults they have endured at the hands of the local police and the central government’s security forces stationed there to fight what the government refers to as ‘leftwing extremism’. She is also the political leader of Aam Aadmi Party in Sameli village of Dantewada in south Bastar.


Soni Sori was among the five recipients of the prestigious Frontline Defenders’ Award for Human Rights Defenders at Risk for the year 2018. Soni dedicated the global award to all the social activists fighting on the ground for the rights and legitimate dues of the Bastar Tribals. “I will not give up this battle as long as I am alive,” she said.

The ethnic minorities, the tribal communities in India has been for long been stuck being an outsider, without being included in the decisions about them. While individual cases of rape cases like that of a rape that occurred in Labhpur, Eastern Bengal where the 20 year old victim stated that she was raped by almost a dozen of men in her village as punishment for falling in love with a boy from other community which was unacceptable in her village or when a newly married 20 year old Santhali woman was gang-raped for 10 hours at Pakur village in 2015 have gained attention, there is barely any data or research done to understand the perverseness of the issue.

India prides itself on being inclusive, respectful of all the diversity it is known for, but lately the actions have not matched up to that pride.

This article is in collaboration with #Adivasislivesmatter to bring to light to the fact that even though rape is a national and international problem, some groups’ voices don’t get heard.

The Roadblocks in Reporting Rape-Crimes in India

It was the night of 27th November, 2019, merely 2 days after the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, when women’s rights activists and social media pages worldwide were abuzz with hashtags and campaigns for standing against Rape…

A veterinary doctor’s family in the city of Hyderabad reached out to the police during their frantic search for her after she went missing while returning home from her regular day of work. It was merely hours after her last phone-call to her sister, telling she was scared on being stranded among strangers in a deserted area, that the would find her raped, brutalised and burnt body.

This particularly horrific incident of rape, which hit India at the dawn of this year’s 16 days Gender-Violence campaign, has shocked and enraged the nation into a renewed sense of urgency to change the way the country deals with rape-crimes.  

There have been demands of castration, death penalty and even burning the rapists alive. Sadly, on the touchstone of both humanity and legality, it merely demonstrates a sentiment of wanting to eliminate such criminals from the society, without much exertion in prevention and prosecution in the long term. In a myopic sense eliminating such criminals may seem like the best possible solution, but we cannot ignore the fact that even making punishments more stringent has not had a deterrent effect on sexual predators in the country.

In the shadow of the ‘Hyderabad Horror’, there has been news of multiple other rape incidents from all corners of the country within the same week. On 26th November, a 20-year-old woman was raped and hanged from a tree in Kanchipuram, Tamil Nadu; on the same day a 25-year-old law student was abducted and raped by 12 men at gunpoint in Ranchi, Jharkhand; on 27th November, besides the Hyderabad Horror, the nation also found an 11-year-old girl who had been kidnapped by an auto-driver, held captive for days and raped repeatedly in Chandigarh; on 28th November, a 32-year-old woman was gangraped by five men on her way home from grocery shopping in Neyveli, Tamil Nadu; on the same day a 14-year-old girl was raped by 2 men in Vadodara, Gujarat; on 29th November, a 17-year-old girl was found to have been kept chained and allegedly raped repeatedly by her father in their home in Jalore, Rajasthan… the list goes on. It does not seem to matter what the punishment prescribed under the laws is.

These circumstances call for urgent scrutiny of the way the laws against rape-crimes in India are implemented. It is in the efficient reporting and stringent prosecution of these offences that the nation stands any chance of being able to make a real difference. The real chasm exists not in the content of the laws, but in their toothless enforcement.

Former police officer and social activist, Kiran Bedi (IPS) has given us a chance to systematically address this issue in her recent framing of the 6 ‘P’ Formula for Women’s Security: People – Politicians – Police – Prosecution – Prison – Press. On the 70th anniversary programme of the United Nations in India organised by the UN Information Centre for India (UNIC) and the Bhutan and Indian Federation of UN Associations with focus on women’s security, Bedi said “Only when we look at it with the 6 ‘P’ formula, we address it in all directions. Unless we address it in all directions, any aspect left unattended in the chain, women’s security will suffer.

At the very heart of this chain lie the aspects of ‘Police’ and ‘Prosecution’ – relating directly to the root problems in the reporting of rape-crimes in the country. At this juncture when there are widespread demands for deterring rapists and sex offenders, it becomes paramount priority to ensure that the reporting mechanism becomes watertight and leaves no room for any offender to get away with their crime. This includes no laxity in filing of the complaints, no ease of release on bail, no fear in the testimony by witnesses, no scope for tampering of evidence, and no biases/influences/compromises in the investigation process. Afterall, what justice can the most rigorous punishment achieve, if the offender manages to escape from weak links in the chain of prosecution at the primal  stages? What process of justice can effectively deter such offenders when it is ridden with holes at its very inception?

When examining the roadblocks in the reporting of rape-crimes in India, an unpredictable and particularly multifaceted monster comes to the fore. Dismantling it reveals several key themes which require simultaneous redressal. Tragically, the same six ‘P’s which constitute the formula for women’s security, also translate into the 6 heads of the monster preying on the reporting process:

PEOPLE   (Prejudices, Character Assassination, Labelling, Social Isolation)  Social stigma is the biggest deterrent in reporting of rape-crimes. The victim is labelled as ‘impure’ and unfit for marriage. The victim and the family get socially ostracized and isolated. The victim’s actions, way of life, habits, relationships etc. are dissected and judged. These prejudices spill onto all spheres of the victim’s life be it family/personal/professional. The victims and their families get further victimized by societal beliefs & practices.  
POLITICIANS   (Bureaucracy, Corrupt Officials, Political Influence, Vested Interests)  Corruption, politics and vested interests impact the reporting of rape-crimes in insidious ways – quashing of complaints, vested interests of bureaucrats preventing law enforcement from taking due cognizance of cases and collecting necessary evidence, political power being used to coerce victims and families to withdraw complaints, political duress over witnesses in providing necessary and timely information/statements to police etc.  
POLICE   (Insensitivity, Prejudices,  Procrastination, Inaccuracies, Harassment, Evidence Tampering)  As highlighted in the sting-operation by Tehelka in the context of Delhi Police we find the police personnel themselves becoming a roadblock in the reporting process. Filing of timely complaints with due diligence and care is extremely rare. The personal prejudices of policemen affect whether a case registered or not, even after the victim/family has come to report. Jurisdiction conflicts and procrastination are commonplace. Careless collection of evidence, and even tampering is not unheard of. Harassment of the victim and the family at the hands of the police is one of the weakest links in the chain of reporting.  
PROSECUTION   (Insensitivity, Harassment, Excessive Delays, Victim-Blame)  Another aspect of discouragement from reporting is the widespread knowledge that the prosecution procedure is extremely insensitive, excessively prolonged and adversarial towards the victim. Many victims don’t report keeping in mind the kind of insensitive, victim-blaming questions and harassment that they would have to face during prosecution.  
PRISON   (Ineffective Rehabilitation, Short Sentences)  Aside from the alarmingly low ratio of conviction in reported rape cases, instances of offenders seeking revenge against the victim are also found. This instils pure fear in the victims even when they think of reporting. Also considering the state of our prison system, there is zero faith among the public in the offender being rehabilitated and so the fear of repeated victimization prevents even primary reporting of cases.  
PRESS   (Violation of Privacy, Labelling, Sensationalisation, Insensitivity, Social Media trial of Victim)  Coupled with the problem of social stigma, the press becomes the major perpetrator of secondary victimization of the victim. Most victims do not report because of fear of their tragedy being publicized, sensationalized and insensitively dealt with at the hands of the Press. Labelling and violation of privacy of the victims and their families have become the norm. What also compounds the problem is that with the advancement of social media, the general public gets a platform to have an informal trial which puts the victim under the spotlight, even sometimes creating a permanent digital record of the criminal act itself.  

These practices and problems at the very first instance unnerve the victim from even filing a formal report of the crime, and in the long term, corrode the faith of the nation in the justice system itself. Why would rape-victims, or even their families, voluntarily wish to subject themselves to further victimization by the society and the system, when the rapist has already violated them in such a brutal way? This hesitation has been the same ever since the 1973 case of Nurse Aruna Shanbaug, where the hospital dean and her fiancé didn’t permit the reporting and prosecution of her rape by sodomisation, just to prevent ‘embarrassment’ due to public disclosure. Her rapist was convicted only for assault and robbery and imprisoned for 7 years while she lay in a vegetative state for 42 years, effectively serving a life sentence.

Even in these dire circumstances we find 100’s and 1000’s reporting on a daily basis, because they are desperate for justice. We should not be celebrating their courage. We should be alarmed that we are living with a system where even reporting of heinous crimes against half the population of the country requires ‘courage’. Reporting needs to be made a seamless process of seeking justice against victimization.. not a matter of waging a war against multiple layers of further victimization!

– by Prarthana Vaidya, Lawyer & Masters Candidate in Criminology & Forensic Psychology, Consultant at MSAAW.

Gender Identity and Sexual Violence

On day 8 of 16 days of activism, the focus is on how sexual/gender identity influences the experience and processing of sexual violence. We received varying responses from the LGBTQ+ community. These stories are presented unedited in their original form. These are anonymous accounts of people’s lived experiences. 

“I guess the real problems here may arise when the balance of power”

I am a 27 y.o., European, openly-gay, single guy and I have never experienced any form of sexual violence. 

If I ever was asked about sexual violence within the LGBT+ community, I could only talk about the gay community, which I consider less prone to suffer this kind of abuse than transsexual individuals for example. It corresponds to a cultural vision of a balance of power, as the relations are established between two men and is fed by a patriarchal heritage. It does not mean gay men are not victims of sexual abuse or are not at risk though.

As an active user of dating apps, there have been times in which I have met guys for the first time at their places for the common goal of having sex. All my experiences went well, no sexual abuse involved, as relations were consented both ways. However, I understand the risks on it. I guess the real problems here may arise when the balance of power I was talking about does not exist anymore. I could think of age gaps relations, in which one is younger and, therefore, less experienced and more insecure about what he wants or not. Hence, the younger man would agree on things he may not be wanting 100%.

I feel like sexual violence in gay relations is still a taboo, as I don’t know any situation in my closer environment that I could explain of. However, if it ever happens to me or someone I know, I am sure I would ask for help first from my family and friends, and later through legal instruments. 

“Sexual violence is sexual violence.”

 I’m 25 years old, gay. Personally, I don’t think that sexual identity/sexuality has any connection on how one perceives sexual violence. Sexual violence is sexual violence. It’s an act of invading one’s most inner privacy and personal space. It’s about the use of force, of not asking for consent. Therefore, it doesn’t matter whether one is attracted to the same or to the opposite gender. Sexual violence is about transforming something that should bring pleasure to both parties into a long-lasting trauma.

“I feel safer with women when I engage in any sexual activity.”

23 years old, Asian bi-sexual woman, My sexual identity plays an important role in how I perceive sexual violence. As a bisexual woman, I have always felt comfortable being in relationships with women, even though I am equally attracted to men romantically, physically and sexually. Also, I feel safer with women when I engage in any sexual activity  because I have less fear of getting even getting impregnated or STD’s STI’s (though taking precautions for such infections are always better). SV for LGBTQI+ is high in many countries if you’re openly out, however, I have not yet come out of closet (especially with my family members), hence, I have never had such experiences of SV at a personal level. 

“I became more careful and wary to any male around me. “

I’m female, 26 years old, from Vietnam. The incident happened when I was 2nd year of univeristy when I joint in a volunteer trip with my faculty. At that moment, I identify myself as straight (now, I know I am bisexual). 

The person was male, around 40 years old, has a family which run a small grocery store in the village near Hanoi that I did volunteer work. The man tried to lead me to the storage room and touch my sensitive part when I asked to use their bathroom (which was very frequently in small village, you have no public rest room). Luckily, I escaped, but felt so scared because no one was there. 

After that, I told my friend and the story just stopped there. I had not called the police or any help from the authorities because at that moment, I was so scare and dont know what to do. I told my mom when I was home and she asked why I did not call the police or why I went there alone to put myself in danger situation. I just feel stupid and scare. I also angry because the man was wrong, not me. 

Until now, I’m ok but somehow I became more careful and wary to any male around me. 

I do not think it differs from non-LGBTQ sexual violence cuz perpetrators use sexual violence to strengthen their power, it’s not only about your sexual orientation or identity, it’s about their lack of power feeling and complexed reasons. 

These views are held by the people recounting their personal stories and are not the views of the MSAAW Foundation. If you would like to retell your own experience, reach out to us at msaaw.in

Marital rape and the socialisation of sex – is there room for consent? 

The article below is the part 2 of a two-part series discussing the legal and social perspective on the rape and specifically marital rape. This article focuses on the social and medical aspect of marital rape.

TW: Rape, abuse.

During a conversation with her granddaughter, Lakshmi* had to answer some inquisitive questions that came up. Her granddaughter wanted to know more about her thatha (grandfather). Little did she know that she would reflect on what she now understands as a painful memory. “Back in the day, we weren’t allowed to even look at our husbands directly.. We were there to serve them and nothing else. I know thatha wanted to speak to me but he would always be bullied by his peers for doing so. We were never allowed to sleep in the same room. I would sleep in the kitchen with the rest of the women of the household and thatha on the porch. The nights he wanted to use me, he’d pick me up from the kitchen and take me to the backyard. It used to be painful but that was what ought to be done. I didn’t know anything more.” She tears as she goes back a little in time. Her granddaughter, a little confused at what she just heard, asks her paati about her thoughts on marital rape. Lakshmi by now knows that what happened to her was not okay. 

Lakshmi’s story is only one of several. Most women, especially older women don’t have the chance to reflect or understand what happened to them. To them, pain was normal. Tolerance made a good wife. It took me a while to understand that marital rape is barely spoken about and operates in disguise through multiple layers of culture and socialisation. As Bell Hooks says, being oppressed means the absence of choice. And that’s the unfortunate reality for many women, added with other layers of structural trauma and violence if that woman is in the margins of the society.  

Marital rape is often hard to comprehend because marriage is perceived to be a contract of permanent consent. Combined with the perception of sex as a source of procreation and not pleasure, it is considered the duty of the woman to procreate and hence adhere to the forces of the husband regardless of how painful it is. While speaking to women about their understanding of marital rape, it was seen that it was understood only in retrospect. Dutiful wives have never had the chance to even think of sex as a form of pleasure, as something that they can have a say on. Sex is normalized as unconsented and painful. It doesn’t help at all when the state doesn’t recognize it to be a problem as well. It is trauma that has been and still is silenced and carried over for generations. 

Vidhya Dinakaran, a mental health professional at International Foundation for Crime Prevention and Victim Care (PCVC) says, “The families, sometimes even the woman herself, feels so guilty for having felt uncomfortable that they don’t even want to recognize it as intrusion let alone rape. So ingrained is the notion of what a woman needs to be.” She further adds, “Marital rape is undermined due to shocking assumptions that in a marital relationship sex is a given and that it falls under the roles and duties of a being. It also reiterates the toxic notion that men are owed the sex they demand, if they are to become the ‘provider’ for the woman after marriage. By attaching no recognition to this, the ideas of ownership experienced by the perpetrator and the misogyny is only bolstered. Let alone laws, humiliation and family honour attached to this instills fear and provides no space for condemning this act. This presents as a disguised evil that strips a woman of her dignity hiding under the misconception that, marriage forever equals consensus and reinforces the socially constructed idea of roles and duties.”

Sexist socialisation that roots from patriarchy have clouded the way we understand sex and pleasure. Part of understanding patriarchy is also that it operates in several layers and multiple intersections. It is upheld by powerful cultural norms and is sustained by education, tradition and other systems. This seeps into how we have taught to understand romantic partnerships and our right to consent and determination.

Women have been conditioned to put love, selflessness and care before anything else. So when it comes to sexual intercourse within a marriage, tolerance is what is taught to young women. It is that pain is inevitable. So, rape within the structure of marriage in many contexts has been unfortunately normalized. It allows no room for dissent and no protection for the pained. I can’t help but wonder, if men were socialized to desire love as much as they were taught to desire sex, the cultural revolution we would witness. 


*Lakshmi is a fictionalised name

The writer of the article, Meera Viswanathan, a mental health professional, is part of the Board of Directors in the MSAAW Foundation.

Is it not rape?

TW: Rape, abuse

At the outset, it is helpful to remind ourselves of what is the definition of ‘Rape’ which is duly recognized by Indian law as an offence under Section 375 of the Indian Penal Code, 1860 (IPC) –

It says, “a man is said to have committed the offence of rape if he has sexual intercourse (of defined description) with a woman under the following 7 situations:

  • Against her will
  • Without her consent
  • With her consent, when her consent has been obtained by putting her in fear of death or of hurt of her/her loved ones
  • With her consent, when the man knows that he is not her husband, and that her consent is given because she believes that he is another man to whom she is or believes herself to be lawfully married.
  • With her consent, when, at the time of giving such consent, by reason of unsoundness of mind/intoxication or under influence of any stupefying or unwholesome substance, she is unable to understand the nature and consequences of that to which she gives consent.
  • With or without her consent, when she is under 18 years of age.
  • When she is unable to communicate consent.

On a simple reading of this provision, the use of the word ‘CONSENT’ is observed 10 times and is found to be so very explicit in every single line of the definition.

The conundrum that married women in India face is that even though a woman’s will and consent is given so much importance under the definition of Rape, how does the concept completely disintegrate when a woman is married?

This is seen in the exception defined under the same Section 375 which stipulates that sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife is not Rape. The only saving made under this exception is that it does not include any wives under 15 years of age. Pertinently, this has recently been judicially read down in 2017 to include all wives under 18 years of age through the Supreme Court’s ruling in Independent Thought v. Union of India.

This exception of sanctioned sexual intercourse (even against the will and without the consent of the wife aged above 18 years), is further elucidated when we look at the provision included into the IPC by amendment in 2013: it says that it shall be punishable if a man has “sexual intercourse with his own wife, who is living separately from him under a decree of separation or under any custom or usage without her consent.”

So, when a wife is living separately from her husband, the concept of her consent gets reinstated! Although this is a saving grace, it goes to highlight that the rape laws of India have completely taken away the concept of consent from a married woman who is not separated from her husband.

The reasoning can be found in the words of the Law Commission of India, which in its 42nd Report said:

Sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife against her will or without her consent be not called Rape even in a technical sense.” Their rationale was, “this may amount to excessive interference with the marital relationship.”

While citing the above observation by the Law Commission, Prof. K.I. Vibhute from the University of Pune explains this parochial and familial ideology of the rape laws as follows:

“It is believed that the husband’s immunity for marital rape is premised on the assumptions that a woman, on marriage, gives forever her consent to the husband for sexual intercourse. Her husband has the right to have sexual intercourse with her, whether she is willing or not, and she is under obligation to surrender or submit to his will and desire. It also aims at the preservation of family institution by ruling out the possibility of false, fabricated and motivated complaints of ‘rape’ by ‘wife’ against her ‘husband’ and the pragmatic procedural difficulties that might arise in such a legal proceeding.”

This reasoning by the Law Commission is definitely based on an expired thought process. Pitifully, similar reasoning has also been cited by the Supreme Court in the case of Bhupinder Singh Vs. Union Territory of Chandigarh. Here the court said that if a woman is in a void marriage with an already married man, then sexual intercourse by such man with her shall be considered Rape. This again highlights that only married women in valid marriages are not capable of being raped. So, a woman who finds out she is in a void marriage is in a better position to obtain remedy from the courts than a woman who is ‘validly’ married to a man who rapes her. How different is it from marry-your-rapist theory?

The Indian lawmakers have always buried the horror of marital rape under the ambit of sanctity in a marriage. If one must go into the debate of sanctity, how respectable and sanctimonious is a marriage if the husband’s actions strip the wife of every last bit of a her dignity? The preservation of the ‘family institution’ gives free reign to the husband and allows for incessant, unchecked and fully licensed sexual abuse of the validly married wife. This even allows grave violation of her fundamental right under Article 21 of the Constitution of India which grants even a validly married wife the right to life and personal liberty including the right to live with dignity and without harm.

It needs to be remembered that a marriage is essentially only a legally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship which involves sexual activity and intercourse. What needs to be very clearly distinguished is that marriage is not another name for any kind of permanent and irrevocable consent by a wife to her husband for any and all sexual intercourse, and she definitely does not ‘surrender or submit to his will and desire’ in any blanket and all-encompassing manner for his whims and fancies. Merely because of the fact of marriage, a married woman does not lose her individuality and therefore cannot lose her right to give/revoke/refuse consent for sexual intercourse, even with her husband.

One of the biggest misconceptions which exist in the Indian mindset is that within the relationship of marriage, there is an unchecked license held by all men for having sex with their wives. The general population does not seem to comprehend the difference between the act of ‘sex’ (or sexual intercourse) and ‘rape’. We need to remind everyone that sex does not equate to rape, and rape does not equate to sex. Rape is the act of sex being done without the consent of the partner. So, the act of sex with a wife by a husband without HER CONSENT is Rape. This amounts to rape in every aspect of the offence and the Indian public as well as the lawmakers need to take note.

According to the latest report of National Crime Records Bureau in the year 2017, the total number of crimes committed against women in that year were 3,59,849. The total number of rape cases reported over the three year period from 2015 to 2017 were 34,651, 38,947 and 32,559 respectively. The total number of attempted rape cases reported were 4437, 5729 and 4154 respectively. However, we submit that these statistics provide a deceptive portrayal of the rape statistics in the country. This is because a huge population of married women who are being raped in the country have been completed avoided and rape crimes against these women are not even recognized.

When we do criminalise marital rape, it is reasonable to expect that there will be certain problems in implementation. However that is no reason to tolerate the continuance of horror and violence of rape against married women by their husbands. Some of the problems which can be foreseen include the difficulty in collection of necessary evidence, personal agendas for false complaints, misuse of the law for harassment etc.

However, these problems are no different from the problems encountered during the implementation of all laws in the country. Do we not find murder cases like Arushi Talwar where evidence collection and ambiguity of circumstances were a challenge? Do we not see cyber crimes which are nearly impossible to detect? Have we not come across personal agendas for false complaints in cases of political crimes and corruption? Do we not encounter the misuse of law for harassment of commercial sex workers and the LGBTQ+ community? Have these problems prevented us from enacting the necessary laws? NO.

Marital rape is similar. Awareness is a necessity and criminalization of this form of Rape is indispensable.

This post is Part 1 of our Day 6 of #16days of activism. The authors wish to remain anonymous.

How to be a friend during abuse.

TW: sexual abuse, trauma

When your friend confesses that her relationship has always been abusive, there are two instinctive emotions, at least for me. The first one was anger – anger that it had continued right under my very nose, anger that she had not told me sooner, anger that I had somehow not pieced the puzzle together when the evidence was before my eyes. The second one was an immediate desire to protect her – basically, to keep her from going back to that relationship no matter what. Over the next year, it dawned on me how misplaced both those feelings were. My anger was no help to her, and despite my desire to protect her, I watched as she went back to him over and over again in a vicious cycle. I soon realized that there was very little I could do to actually keep her from him – abuse is like an insidious drug, and I saw first hand how a cycle of dependence and trauma bonding kept bringing them back to each other. I soon realized that it was not my job to make her leave him, or shame her into doing so. I also realized that in several instances, my friend’s behavior was also unacceptable to me. This dichotomy between loving my friend, wanting her to leave her abuser, and simultaneously disliking the things she did almost drove me crazy.

I saw first hand how a cycle of dependence and trauma bonding kept bringing them back to each other

And then I came to see how abuse can totally break a person down, turn them into someone they themselves don’t want to be. I saw how abusers manipulate, lie and deceive, with the tacit support of their friends and society. My role was therefore, not to judge her or to compel her to take a particular course of action – my role was simply to keep her safe. This meant going home with her after drinking scenes so that she wouldn’t be alone with him. It meant listening to the same horrific stories over and over again. It meant getting into fights with her, because she would side with him over herself. It meant spending every minute with a person I was beginning to dislike. It meant standing up to him for her, when it mattered. It meant never lying to her about the truth of what was happening to her. It meant being ready with the joints and alcohol, ready to numb the pain, despite how unhealthy a coping mechanism it is. Now, we are both on the other side of it. I was the first and only person who knew the true extent of the horror she endured, and as a friend, there was very little I could do to stop it. All I could do was reaffirm in every way that she did not have to endure it alone. Now that it is all in the past, we are sometimes able to joke about it, which has been crucial to her recovery. Healing from abuse is a long, drawn out process. The triggers, the trauma and the anxiety are still with her – but so am I. At the end of the day, that’s all I can do.

This story was submitted to us my an anonymous writer for the StandAgainstRape campaign and has been published unedited.

What do you do when your loved one is abused?

Day 5 of the #16DaysofActivism

TW: Child sexual abuse, trauma

My significant other hid the fact he was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse for as long as he could hide it. When we became sexually active, the traumas of his past manifested physically into his body affecting our ability to be intimate. What I never expected was the emotional toil it would have on me. When he outlined the details of his traumas, I never could have imaged such evils in this world existed, it kept me up at night and caused me to retreat to the bathroom, turn the fan on, in hopes it would drown out my sporadic sobs. The details of his abuse still haunt me to this day (even 6 years after our relationship ended). At the time I felt an immense sense of responsibility to not only show him that sexual intimacy in our relationship is safe and I could be trusted, but that he pursued the professional counselling he so desperately required so he could live a life free of his past. Looking back, perhaps I persisted and pushed him too much, when he wasn’t ready. Would he have ever truly been “ready” to seek help? I firmly believed CBT exposure therapy would help him overcome the obstacles we were having in our intimate relationship. Instead of letting him guide me and tell me what he felt comfortable with or avoid these aspects of intimacy all together I initiated what I knew would make him uncomfortable.

Would he have ever truly been “ready” to seek help?

I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t seek professional advice, and was acting off of pure instinct for that reason I’m conflicted if I approached his recovery in the correct way. It was a dichotomy of feeling absolutely horrible and guilty for making him do something he was traumatised by, but normal in a healthy sexual relationship, and a sense of unwavering belief it would help him overcome his traumas. As he would physically recoil and sometimes cry we pushed through and eventually he physically overcame and we could have an enjoyable healthy intimate relationship. I hold a deep sense of pride for having trusted my gut instincts that helped him heal a portion of his past, but never knowing if I did the right thing, in the right timing, will haunt me just as often as his traumas.

This story was submitted to us by an anonymous writer for the StandAgainstRape campaign and has been published unedited.

Two stories, similar pain, and the promise of never again.

Trigger warning: Rape, child sexual abuse.

                          ‘I wish I had been raped’. I was sexually abused as a child, but never did he put his penis in my vagina. If he had done that, today as an adult I would have a very ‘accepted form’ of abuse; rape. It would have been easier for me to understand in my head (I am assuming). But it wasn’t. Our ‘relationship’ stretched over the years. It was pleasuring him, it was about watching him undress and it was also about video calling to get himself off. It was about keeping me so interested for his attention and making me feel like it’s a precious secret that was only for me. I remember my kid-self numbing these and being excited when he used to ask me about school and my day. I couldn’t have one without the other, so I ignored everything but normal conversations.

To give some perspective, I was around 14-15 years old, in school, the biggest bane in life being math. My whole life was my parents and the bubble I lived in. He was in his mid-late thirties, successful and sorted. He had a charming smile, a beautiful wife and a lovely daughter who was younger than me. He was a friendly neighbour. To anyone who knew me, I was a social-butterfly. It was normal to watch me sit with the car drivers and chat, play with the street dogs and it was ‘so me’ to be friends with a neighbour.

I wasn’t prepared to identify that the friendship was not really normal, because all my life I have been taught to be nice, to listen to elders and that men were always right. I grew up in a house where there was no television for most of my life, never been told what sex is about, no information about good and bad touch. I was the beacon of naivety. In my head everyone was amazing.

Now as an adult, I read the laws and I have a label for every incident. I have a distinct name to every single incident that happened to me. What am I supposed to do with it? Do I feel like a victim or a survivor? I feel neither. What I do feel is confusion and the constant debate in my head as to ‘but, I did do this and I did do that’. The shame and the guilt amplifies because reflecting upon child sexual abuse with a rational adult thinking is conflicting.

“The shame and the guilt amplifies because reflecting upon child sexual abuse with a rational adult thinking is conflicting.”

Can I ever explain how it feels exactly? Do people really understand how it feels? I am not so sure. I explained this story to my boyfriend once (obviously not every detail), he held me tight and comforted me. That night I had nightmares and couldn’t sleep at all. The next morning, he was grumpy that I didn’t let him sleep, he didn’t understand the trauma. Here is the thing, I wasn’t held down and violently raped. So it didn’t seem significant enough to him.

For a lot of friends and people in my generation, they have had sex for fun, pleasure and voluntarily since the age of 13. So it doesn’t make sense to them as to why this is abuse. On the contrary, cases of child marriage between a 15-year-old and a 40-year-old, is wrong.

‘It is not your fault’. I hate that sentence. How can I tell myself that it is not my fault when I have smiled at him and sent the first message and/or played with his wife and kid? You see, sexual violence is not always violent, aggressive nor is child sexual abuse for kids who are in their diapers or in primary school.  

“You see, sexual violence is not always violent, aggressive nor is child sexual abuse for kids who are in their diapers or in primary school. ” 

I have considered going to court and suing him. But I never did. I know it will be my life which is taken apart and it would be up to me to give the exact time and details of every incident. The abuse went on for years later, and even a year after I turned 18. I honestly don’t remember the exact flow of events nor do I have proof of anything at all. So why go through that humiliation? As an adult I feel more helpless than as a kid, because I know now, but my hands are still tied.

What did I do to help myself? I took therapy for years, I actively try to tell myself that it was abuse and I shouldn’t give excuses for him. I am still not at a place where I can confidently get on a stage and tell people about what I went through, because as an adult I know the society is not still at a point where they would agree that I was a child and I had no role to play in it. That has to change. I wish I knew back then about good touch and bad touch, but I will make sure my kids know about it, so they never have to live with that confusion and anxiety for the rest of their lives.

Do not shush me.

I never really knew what a ‘bad touch’ was. I still don’t think I have it figured out completely. When a relative of mine was making advances, I figured, ‘we’re related, he wouldn’t do anything that is wrong, besides, he is older.’ Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

Even today, I am not sure when I was sexually offended for the first time. Is it when a relative loved kissing kids on the lips, or was it when another relative used a difficult time of mine to make advances, or was it when I was forced to read a pornographic book in school or was it when someone thought it was funny to read out a perverted version of a nursery rhyme to me? Every time one of this happened, I remained silent because I didn’t know when to shush, or when to scream for help. When I asked people who are older, they didn’t know either. I have had occasions where I was asked to ‘shush’ as it may create disturbances to the daily order of things. 

What has this done to me as a person?

I am always afraid. It’s getting better by the day, but yes, I am always afraid. I am scared that I will get molested or raped if I ever offend anyone. I am afraid that if I ever get married, I may be subject to domestic violence. I am afraid that no matter whom I chose to be my significant other, I would be making a wrong choice. What I am most afraid of is me being oblivious to an abusive relationship and never know that I am, in fact, being abused. I have encountered relationships where I did not know that I was being abused for almost 2 years. In fact, I am so terrified of losing myself again that I every time I use the word ‘love’ there is a sting. I am terrified of the fact that I still am not fully sure about what a good and a bad touch is. The concept of ‘consent’ is always the biggest debate in my head. 

“The concept of ‘consent’ is always the biggest debate in my head.”

Now that I am done with the trip, I must let you all know that despite everything, I have faith in the humanity. I have also moved on a great deal from my fears and I have started replacing them with happy thoughts and memories. On a separate note, one thing I have learnt is that the previous generation barely got any exposure and they were told to shush when things happened. Times were different. Unlike us, they didn’t know how to fight back, and even if they did, there were a very few who had the courage to fight back. I am sad that this happened to me, but I am glad that it will never happen to my kids because now, I know. I can to ensure that they know the importance of the word ‘no’. I also know that, I want to help every person who is going through this. What happened to me was horrifying and I want to aid in removing any stereotyping when it comes to abuse. I want to ensure that people are aware that there is no general threshold for determining what a bad touch is. I realise I cannot change what happened to me and a part of me will always be broken, but, I hope my story helps another one to not ‘shush’ when they encounter a ‘bad touch’.

A bad touch needn’t have bad intentions, if the child feels discomfort, then it is bad, for them.  

In conclusion:

A child is anyone under the age of 18, the sexual consent age differs in countries, but this article is not for a legal case. It is about prevention and for that start with a conversation. Ignorance is not bliss, if we shy away from having important conversations with our kids, they are going to unequipped to handle situations like these. Sex is not as scandalous as we have been led to believe, it is normal and we got to make sex education a normal thing too. Child sexual abuse manifests in different ways; it can be online, by a known person of the family. A lot of times children don’t realise until later that it was abuse and that affects them deeply. A simple way to help out is by keeping them informed and encouraging them to talk to someone if they feel like something is not right. A lot of sexual abuse cases are not black and white, not something which is articulate with symptoms. It is marred by confusion, guilt and shame. Education is the key to prevent, and for that to happen we need to let go of our preconceived notions.

This story is contributed by two people who would wish to remain anonymous. It has been submitted as part of the Stand Against Rape campaign.